The Folklorist

Passing Time

There’s nothing more than these sounds that I hate
The chirping birds, the passing cars, the gentle wind,
All doing their thing in harmony, reminding me of a life I cant live.

While everything else moves on and spins,
I’m busy studying them in a cold room with harsh lights,
There are others besides me, doing the same thing.

We wonder and joke about our lives,
The hardships we endure just to understand,
The world, ourselves, and our God.

But it is time like these, right now, that I forget
That you cant study what the wind feels like,
Or hear the noise of a passing car while birds chip.

No, you must live it, it seems.
But these chains of iron grip tighter and tighter,
And I study some more, content that I know why.

1) open google 2) search your first name, only your first name 3) take the first picture that comes up 4) upload it to tumblr 5) this is you in 10 years

Im only 20. FML.

(Source: dementorsinmypub, via yourdarlinglittlesammy)

To God

How to word this, this endless churning sea that I have. Anytime I try to write something to you, feel someone thing for you, my heart become empty. At least, that’s what it feels like. As if it’s trying to tell me you’re not there. But thankfully, you and I have known that I’ve never listened to it. Still, it is sometimes hard not to feel it.

It’s ironic, I find. That people feel you with their heart and their soul. But, I feel you with my brain. The small things I see are the ever needing proof of your existence. And that’s what this is about, I think. Existence. Not yours so much, but mine. How is it that I am here? Moreover, why am I here? I do feel terribly lost, but as if I’m lost in my own neighborhood. I know where I am, but some reason the paths just seem different.

How God, do you send an angel to save me? And then guide me in such a way as too never find out why. I think what it is is that I’m upset with you, for not revealing to me what I so want to know. But at the same time I fully understand that you are doing this to surprise me, make me surprise myself, and let me be my own person. However, right now, I will be honest, I’m not sure what that is. I want to know what to do for once. But I guess we all feel like that don’t we?

I have so many thoughts and feeling towards you. To be honest, I think the best way to sum this maelstrom of emotion and feeling up to simply to say unsure or even ambivalent. Indeed, this is strange feeling. It comes and it goes, like the passing moon. But like the moon, it is always there.

At this point, I’m not sure I make sense. There is a tempting part of me to erase of this. That is doesnt matter. But I won’t allow that to happen. For me, it is important that you and I talk. Our relationship is not something commonplace and trite. I think you know that. And I also know that you know it is more than that. So tell me what it is. You like to keep things undefined, but that’s not how I like things.

So what is it then? This? Whatever this feeling or relationship may be? Is my sin battling your love? Or my logical science battling you’re honest faith? Is it both? Or is this my cold, reluctant heart refusing even you to enter?

I’ve been listening to Christian radio, and though I do not consider myself a christian for I do not believe that Jesus was holy (forgive me oh father for if he was), but I do believe he was a great and kind man. But with people nowadays claiming to be the son of God, and even back then, I’m terribly weary of jumping off bridges into the waters of false belief. Anyways, yes, I have been listening to Christian radio, and though I listen to the message, I still cannot hear you. Perhaps I am deaf. And perhaps this is a relationship of sign language. I’m okay with either one. I just don’t life feeling stuck like this.

If you are indeed roaring like a lion, then how come I do not feel it or hear it? By chance, I may have lost all my senses when trying to find you. So if I have no sense, how am I to know you? That 6th sense of sorts? If so, I feel trickles of you sometimes. But I long for your in a physical sense.

I do not know God. When did it ever become like this? How am I supposed to be? I just want to know my purpose. But alas, I am greedy and gluttonous for more and more favours from you. And there I commit all 7 deadly sins.

Oh father, forgive me, for I know not what i do.

Sam’s Journal

There’s nothing more scary than this Dean. As we brave the world, together. We may part, we may even die. Alas, know that I shall always love you. My heart is my own, they say, but what they do not know is that you are the very veins and arteries that connect to me heart. Without you, I am nothing but a shell.

But sometimes I forget myself, Dean. How wrapped I am around you finger so to say. And how this scares me to death. I always wanted to be my own person, to get away from this all, but here I am. I am falling in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go, and loving it. But sin taste so sweet, and the high of you is nothing I regret.

So here we are, or I am. What makes this so exciting is that I don’t know you. You may be my brother. But the reality is that our daily lives just keep up from one another. How I long to know you. You know every path in your labyrinth.

Monsters are nothing to be afraid of. Love is.

Sam’s Journal

Dean,

You sleep there unknowingly,
Of my longing desire to,
Hold you and everything you fear and hate.

I don’t hold back from you,
Because I don’t want you to know,
I just don’t think it’s me who needs to do the sharing.

I love you.
I cherish you.
I need you.

-Sam

Imagine Yourself

Imagine yourself in my shoes
Tomorrows that never come
Because the nights just fade into day

Imagine yourself in my world
The terrible burdens I carry
And how hard they are to hold

Imagine yourself in my life
Like floating an ocean full of fishes
But you’re the only one of your kind

Imagine yourself in my body
How my hearts skips beats
How my eyes see things unknown

Imagine yourself in my head
Full of delight and sadness
The smoke and the light

Love Letter #1

To my dearest love,

If there ever was a time to tell you how I feel, it was then, but it shall have to be now. These words will be petty and trite, so common place. Alas, I’m not sure how to tell you, to convey to you, how my heart flutters every time I see you. Or worse, how my stomach turns into endless knots, the pain so harsh and sweet. I know we do not see each others often. Perhaps that is life, to know who you truly love and to be separated by a great distance. I haven’t started anywhere, have I?

Let me first say, it was unexpected. I thought I had sworn off love all together, but then you show up. And then I swore only to ever love you. I must admit, I’ve lost the letters. I pray, out of some late night anger at fate and our great distance that I did not throw them away. You and your camp days. Me and my days of passionate longing and fantastical dreams. I wonder if you still have the things I have given to you. Those things that I sent to you to protect you and keep you company in your most miserable days. I often wonder what happened to the us back then. I often compare it to the lifeless forms we’ve taken now. I have this longing urge to tell you everything. About how mad I am at you, or better yet, how I am not mad at all, but still hopelessly in love. Although to anyone else, your act is an unforgivable sin, I suppose I can forgive even Satan himself. It’s a terrible quality I possess, forgiveness. But again, look at what I’ve done, not get to the point.

To be honest, I’m not sure there is a point in this letter to you. Maybe I hope that someday it will be read by you, or perhaps, by some great chance the Gods will see this and bring us together, just as it always should have been.

I have many questions for you my dearest love. Perhaps, the first one is did you mean anything by it? Your words, your actions. I know, I know, we were terribly, terribly young, but still for me, it meant the entire world. Imagine that my love, and entire world, that was yours. To tell you frankly, you have my heart, whether you are aware of it or not. I must have sewn it to yours on those fateful days of late night telephone calls. After all, you did ask me to marry you. And yes, I will. But you must always promise to love me as I love you. I may be hopelessly, undeniably in love with you, but I am a man of logic and thought. I do not simply let my heart throw itself into the abyss. Though, as i’ve said, you have my heart. So maybe the reason I am a man of logic is solely because of you. How complicated it is. My thoughts and psuedo-feelings.

Anyways, I no longer wish to focus on that mundane, pitiful excuse.

My dearest, do you remember as much as I do? It seems all my memories lie with you. And everything after that is a blur. Mainly because I want to keep all our memories untouched. I wonder how this makes you feel, or if you even think about me. I’m sure you do occasionally. But how should I know. Some days, I panic, and assume you’re dead and it just sends me over the edge. There was that one day where your caller id showed up on the phone, and I could only have assumed the worse, especially when you never responded. But that is me, the one to overreact. I just want you to know that someone does love you, that’s someone being me.

Now that my thoughts are bouncing around, I wonder if we ever had a song. And what your favourite food is. And a million other things.

But my love I am tired. And forgive me, for I never did ever talk about what I meant to talk about. But I will come back to it. Eventually.

Sincerely,

Your something.

To Enjoy

Come over to my house. I don’t want to drink hot chocolate alone. We can sit by candle light; discuss nothing of certain importance but only to enjoy the company of two friends on a cold evening.

Ranty Facebook Post

Honestly, I fucking hate you all. All you guys ever do it whine and complain and have these “feelings”. Feelings? Honestly grow the fuck up. If the world cared about your feelings we’d all be growing flowers out of our asses. Use you’re fucking brains and stop posting shit that you obviously have little concept off. Gay rights, abortion, taxes, etc etc. Shut, the, fuck, up. OMG OMG IM SO TOTALLY LIKE FOR EVERYTHING. THE WORLD SUCKS. No, you do you twit. Since when has the world ever bowed down to your inept ass? Fucking face it, we all live in a shit hole, it’s reality. Start enjoying your food, being with friends, etc, and stop worrying so fucking much about shit that isn’t gonna come to be anytime soon.